I usually try to stay positive in these posts. I may complain a bit about the hard things but over all I try to offer useful suggestions from my own life that maybe can help out some and talk about ways I’ve learned to deal with my illnesses and troubles. But I find I can’t do that today. I’m at the bottom of the Pit and all I can see are the slimy walls of my dungeon. And the thing is, I know I’ve put myself here and I can eventually get out, but I just Can’t do it right now.
To be fair I’ve had some setbacks lately. I’ve had some things happen in my life that I needn’t go into because they’re just things after all and it’s not the things so much as my response to them that matters. And my response isn’t what I usually can muster up. Usually I can look at the things and see where my thinking has gone astray and turn my mind to better things and thoughts. I can change my reality and be OK with it even if I’m not happy exactly.
But I’m really suffering right now and it’s bleak and all I want to do is die. I want to take a knife and slice up my wrists like I did one time when I was psychotic. I want to take all my morphine at once and never wake up. I want to drive my car into a freeway embankment and crash and burn like my soul feels it’s doing. I want to simply cease to exist.
Of course I’ll do none of those things. I just need to vent sometimes and now is one of them. I tried to give thanks for the good things in my life, and the thing is, it doesn’t help worth crap. None of my multitudinous bag of tricks is working for me right now and I feel powerless and hopeless and defeated and I hate feeling like this. I hate it when life gets the best of me and I can’t respond and can only react to it. It’s not how I think of myself and it’s awful.
But it’s not so uncommon. I feel like this a lot I’d say and I’m in a minor mixed state of Bipolar right now I think. In other words I’m enraged about my state but am too depressed and apathetic to do anything about it. I won’t kill myself be assured. I have too much to live for and I know that. But who cares? I don’t right now. So what if I die? Who’ll miss me? Well, a lot of people would and I know that and it keeps me from doing something stupid. But I still feel this way.
I know this is going to make me sorry when I post it. But I’m going to anyway. I know that there are a lot of other people out there who feel exactly the same way I do and can’t give voice to it because they’re in even worse shape than I am. Or maybe they’re just too reticent to speak bad vibes on here. I dunno. Maybe they’re just smarter than I am.
I just know that it helps me to talk about it and so I am. And I believe in keeping it Real so I talk when I need to. Sure I have a counselor and I’ll see him next week. And I’ll talk to my partner and friends and explain what I’m going thru. And it eventually will change I know.
That’s the one continuous thing in the universe. Change. It Always will change and sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes it’s for the worse. But it never stays the same for too long. Or maybe it is too long. It feels that way to me right now. But it’s what I hold onto and it gives me the courage to stick with it and just let go into the flow of things and let life work its magic on me. It can do wonders.
I’m reading a good book now called “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. I highly recommend it. It posits that our emotional IQ is far more important in how we are able to live a good life than our academic IQ. I’ve known this for years and it’s very validating to read a scientific discourse on it.
I score pretty high on it actually. I’m terrifically empathetic and I can put myself in someone’s shoes without a thought. I understand my thinking and I can change my thoughts at will much of the time. I’m resilient and I reinvent myself frequently and with good results. But too often, as now, I’m also a Slave to my Passions and that’s my downfall. My emotions become my reality and I Know they’re Not, but I can’t get out from under the whip.
I know it’s because of the Bipolar disorder and I could just blame it on that, but it seems too facile and easy to do that. It feels like it’s my fault still and I have to do something to overcome it nevertheless. Even tho it’s a debilitating illness and I can’t stop it anymore than I can stop hurting so much by some miracle. I’m still responsible for how I feel at the basest level. We all are I believe.
I’d really like to end this on a positive note but I don’t know how to do that right now. I’ll just say that I know things will be better in time and I’ll get thru this. I’ll wait it out and if nothing else maybe I’ll watch a movie about war in ancient China 2000 years ago which is so far out of my realm of consciousness that it will definitely change my reality, at least for a couple of hours. Maybe that’s copping out but so what? It works.
And I’ll thank my partner for making me lunch and give thanks for the food I eat. I’ll do the work. And hope that in time it’ll net me results of feeling better. But right now… right now I think I’m losing it and I can’t stop myself from falling.
Peace to you,