Bored With Bipolar

BKGRN021

 

You’d think that after almost 19 years of being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and 63 years of living with it, I’d have come to terms with it by now. And frankly I have, many times. But right now, and for the last few months, I’ve been at odds with my illness and it’s been anything but acceptance that I’m feeling. I’m feeling ripped apart by this disease that has so impaired my life that I have spent hours and days and weeks feeling like I should just kill myself. That I should just end it all and be done with it.

This where it gets Boring. I feel so totally boring in my depression. I’m not a fun guy these days. I don’t feel like laughing at funny things or enjoying the accomplishments I’ve had in my life. I feel like this is too much for me to handle and I just can’t keep doing it. I’ve talked with my psychiatrist and counselor about going into the hospital just for a change of venue for awhile to see if that would kick start me out of this state I’m in now. The Psych. even suggested things like ECT and Vagus Nerve stimulation, all of which scare the hell out of me.

But I need to do something. We also talked about anti-depressants. It’s been a few years since I tried one of them and maybe it’s time to try another one, tho so far I’ve failed on all of them and many have made me more ill than I was before I took them. So I don’t have much hope that they’ll fix things any but I have to keep trying. I’m working so hard on trying to change my attitude and perspective and focus on gratefulness and the abundance in my life. I have a good life and I know it, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference now. I just wanna be done with it all. This is so boring and is why I live a life that is just impossible. I so miss my hypomanias when I felt great and like I could take on the world. Sometimes I went too far with them but I’d take that any day over these crushing depressions I live with these days. A little up time would be nice…

But those times have ended pretty much due to taking an anti-psychotic for several years now. The Abilify cuts down on my hypomanias and keeps me on the low end of the spectrum. I don’t get to experience those times of intense creativity and joy and brilliance that accompany hypomanias. All I get to live with is the depression and how it eats away at my soul. I feel like I’m dying and that I’ve gotten into such a deep hole that I can’t even discern any way out of it. I wrote awhile ago about being stuck and that’s still how I feel.

I don’t have anything interesting to say here, which is why I titled it as I did. I’ll admit that being in touch with a depressed person is a boring thing to have to do. We’re just no fun and we’re a drag to be with. We had company over last night and it was all I could do to pretend that I was alright and could just seem to be OK even tho I’m not sure I was. I so wish I had a space in my life where it’s just OK to be depressed and alone and not impact others with my situation. But I’m in a relationship and that means I have to try to be OK for my partner at least as often as I can just to be fair. He has to put up with so much. I don’t understand why he bothers. I don’t think I’m worth it at all anymore.

I used to have a decent opinion of myself and felt like I had a handle on this Bipolar Disease. But I don’t feel that well at all anymore. If feels like I’ve got so much going on that it will be impossible to ever regain it. I feel so useless and like I have no reason to live anymore. I’m in deep despair and disillusionment. If it doesn’t break soon I really don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t kill myself because it just wouldn’t be fair to Louie and my few friends to do that to them. I do know better and that it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But I don’t really care. I’m too far gone. I had a good friend tell me that any one who tried to commit suicide is just a coward and it really felt bad since I’ve tried to kill myself before many years ago and have never felt bad about that. But now I do. I feel like other people will judge me for it and wouldn’t understand why I did it if I did. It’s all boring tho, isn’t it?

I don’t have any morsels of wisdom to share today. I need help badly and I don’t know where to get it. I’ve slipped so much in my self esteem and self perception that it feels like I’m a totally different person than I used to be. I saw my MD the other day and when I told him I was stuck in depression and that I was stuck in feeling pain and stuck in the knowledge that I’d be in this state for the rest of my life that he just shut down on me and it’s like he didn’t even care anymore. This may be my perspective and he’s fine with me but I dunno. I think he, like me, was bored with me being still upset that I have to live with taking all these damn drugs for the rest of my life just to stay alive. Not to thrive but just to be alive. It hardly seems worth it. It doesn’t in fact.

Anyway I guess I should stop now. I know some people have been worried about me in that I haven’t posted here in such a long time, and I doubt that this post will ease their minds, but at least now the truth is out there still and the angst I feel is clear. At least it’s the true experience of someone who has Bipolar Disorder and can’t control it at all at the moment. Oh I can fake it pretty well for an hour or two but it’s hard to be upbeat for long. I just wanna hide out and not see anyone at all or interact with the world at all. And I have people coming to visit me soon and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I definitely can’t be present with them for too long but I’ll try.

So enough whining and complaining and pissing and moaning. I told you at the start it’d be boring and it sure is isn’t it? I long so much for a change and it feels like I just can’t pull it off by myself and the help I have isn’t doing it. I’m open for something new to try and see if it’ll work. So far nothing is effective and that makes me feel despondent and discouraged. Maybe someday they’ll find a cure for this illness, but until then I’ll keep trying to stop being so boring and be more positive. But I have no faith that I can do it. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, eh?

Wishing you an interesting life,

Steve

Advertisements

32 comments on “Bored With Bipolar

  1. ” Maybe someday they’ll find a cure for this illness, but until then I’ll keep trying to stop being so boring and be more positive. But I have no faith that I can do it. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, eh?”

    Stop being boring and be more positive? First of all, this post was far from boring. Secondly, it’s hard to be positive when you’re in a state right now and that’s okay. I can assure you that those of us with bipolar are not interested in reading every day how wonderful your life is all the time. Personally, I want honesty when I read a blog. In addition, I need to read other bloggers difficult times as well as the good. I need someone to connect with and be reminded I’m not alone. I need to read that you and others are struggling some days, just like I do.

    I’m sorry you’re in a rough spot right now and I hope it passes soon.

    Like

    • Thanks so much for your comments Bradley. It really helps to have this kind of feedback from someone who’s been there. It is hard to be positive when you feel like dying all the time. It drains the hell out of you. Leaves you with not much to try to get better. I’m grateful that you appreciate my honesty. I couldn’t do anything else. I haven’t posted for a couple of months because Ive just felt too awful and I finally just decided to say it and get it out in the open and see if it would help me move on. I hope so. So far it’s good. I’m touched a lot by all the responses to this post from people I’ve never met before and others I know well. Thanks for the good wishes on my recovery, at least for now. I know it will all pass, it’s just taking a Long time this time… Sigh.
      All the best to you,
      Steve

      Like

  2. I did not consider this posting boring. But I am sorry that you suffer so. It is helpful to understand why the manic experience would be so desirable after going through depression…..it makes sense that you would wish for a different experience. I wish you well over the next days.

    Like

    • Thank you dear. I don’t really wanna get too manic but some lightness in my life would be most welcome for sure. I appreciate your good wishes and thoughts. One day at a time I guess….
      hugs,
      Steve

      Like

  3. Steven, I’m so glad to see you back and please don’t apologize for the bore. Your journey is yours; I’m just thankful to be tagging along.

    Always here if you need,
    Dani

    Like

    • Thank you for writing Dani. It’s good to be back here at least a little bit anyway. I’m grateful for your visit and kind thoughts. It’s a strange journey at times, but as you say, it’s mine, and I do the best I can with it…
      Be well,
      Steve

      Like

  4. From one bored/boring and depressed non-functional soul to another … jfshbkdfjabsjhfbsjfahldkfjhsldkjfsldkf dkjf sdlkfjh sldkfh lsadkj flsk (had a whole boigraphy blah blah but dont feel like writing it all out) … I salute you and best of luck, maybe we’re like Job in the bible just an example to others of what its like to live in Hell and not give up. I and everybody around me spends alot of time lamenting about the amazing life I could and should have, but sometimes I just give myself credit for still being alive after all these years

    Like

    • I salute you as well my friend. It sounds like we’re on similar journeys. I agree with you that we seem to be models for not giving up, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. I do the same thing you do of wondering what life could have been like for me without this illness, but what’s the point? I’m just glad to still be here and vertical despite the hell of it all. It’s good we both give ourselves credit for that. It’s a definite trial for sure….
      Best wishes to you,
      Steve

      Like

  5. Dear Steve, thank you for connecting through this reality – as the feedback comments to your post show! I appreciate this existentially, as I often flounder in my pain-body. And so I hang out with you, your courage and endurance. Here is a marginal corner of the map: Mars leaves his seven months of acute discomfort in Libra tomorrow, and enters Scorpio his own sign; and your sign. Let’s hope it brings some focus and gathering together, on the individual front, as in the world pain … for integration.

    What is integration? Peace. It can break out anywhere, for an hour or a century, and join up its own dots, like flowing quicksilver. Towards peace you and other front-liners hold your position, and your way of doing this assists many whom you do not know in the subtle body, but we feel it. May the sun come in soon and warm your Tree. Cosmic growing-pains. Love to you and Louie and to your garden and to your bit of wild land up in the hills.

    Like

    • Dear Jane, Thank you for your kind comments. You always provide me with an insight into my own condition that I don’t always see myself. Thanks for the astrological tips. I hope that having Mars in my own Scorpio sign will indeed ease things for me and give me more energy to cope with my demons. Scorpio can be a challenging sign to live in. I’m glad that even in my worst states I can still help others by being real about what it’s like to live this life of such dynamic changes. Cosmic growing pains indeed! Thanks for the good thoughts to Louie and me and to the land as well. You help me with your words and I’m grateful to you for that, and much more. I’m doing better now and I hope it stays that way for awhile at least…
      Peace,
      Steve

      Like

  6. Not boring!! Worrying and sad! Why can’t you take anti-depressants or why have they not helped? I am asking because I have Bipolar 1 and anti-depressants are a big NO for me because I can’t take a mood stabilizer. I get manic and psychotic on anti-depressants. So I found this research-grade St. John’s wort. You can’t take it with prescription anti-depressants and it works pretty well, usually, for me though I still crash into dark depressions. But the creative streak was revived by SJW, almost as soon as I took it. There is only one that works for me and that is research grade. Ask your Pdoc what he thinks. I know everyone says SJW is like a band-aid but I am on old antipsychotics and Zyprexa and those kill the spirit. But they tame the hellish demons so I am med compliant. I miss the manias but not the manias mixed with depressions. If you want to know about the research grade SJW just ask. I am not a salesman for the company– just someone who knows what it is like to be on anti-psychotics for life and lose one’s creativity and lots of other good stuff. But I can function and most importantly, I can love. Love is most important of all to me and I wrote a book about finding love as a Bipolar Aspie because that was my life’s journey. So let me know about the SJW if you want info. And thanks for the follow.

    Like

    • I can’t take anti-depressants for the same reasons you can’t. They make me manic and crazy, even homicidal at times. They really scare me but the depression I’ve been in for the last few months is scaring me badly too, and tho I’m OK now and have been for a couple of weeks I still don’t know what to do next. I’ve tried SJW with bad effects in the past but I doubt if I had the grade you refer to. I doubt my psychiatrist would be interested in it as she’s very into her drugs. I take Abilfy for the mood stabilization but it cuts off my good feelings too. I hate it and it’s akathesia I have with shakes and tremors all the time. It’s hard finding the right meds isn’t it? I’m glad this works for you. If you want to let me know about the grade of SJW you get I’d be interested to know more about this possible option. Thank you for caring enough to suggest it to me.
      All the best to you, and thanks for following me too!
      Steve

      Like

      • Dear Steve,

        I get the plain SJW research grade. There is one plain one and one with vitamins and other ingredients. I wanted to keep it simple and the one I buy is the one they studied. So just get the plain SJW. It is all research grade which means they have standardized it to be able to use it in research. I have been on it for maybe 15 years or more. I checked the MAO inhibitor thing and it seems that if it is an MAO inhibitor, it is such a weak one that you don’t have to worry about food interactions like you do with true MAO inhibitor drugs.

        I have heard terrible things about Abilify. Here is what Andy Behrman, a spokesman for BPD, (if you don’t know him) says about Abilify:

        http://rethinkingbipolar.com/tag/andy-behrman-abilify/

        I tried it and couldn’t take it. For mood stabilization I take the lowest dose of Zyprexa, one of the atypical anti-psychotics, which has some antidepressant effects. 2.5 mg. And I take an old anti-psychotic, Thiothixene, 8 mg., a low dose because I am extraordinarily sensitive to the drug. Zyprexa is great except it is terrible for weight gain. And Thiothixene has the side effects of Akathesia and Pseudo-Parkinsonism and other shakey type things. Plus you can get Tardive Dykinesia. Akathesia is hell as far as I am concerned. I could not even see to cross the street. But I told the Pdoc and he prescribed Artane, a Parkinsonism drug, for the side effects. It was 2 mg. 3x/day but now I get by with 2mg. 2x/day. And I take Klonopin which I am not happy about, but my brother was dying, and I couldn’t function. I take 1.5 mg. a day. It is highly addictive. I think you said you take it. Before that I took Lorezapam but that is not as strong or long lasting.

        I have tried almost all the anti-psychotics and sometimes the older ones are better. Everyone is different but I have heard bad things about Abilify. I hope your doctor listens to you. I know changing a regime of medicine is traumatic but possibly you might want to look into it. And definitely you can be treated for the Akathesia, etc. We run the risk of diabetes and Tardive Dyskinesia but have little choice. For me I have to be on the anti-psychotics. I get totally psychotic otherwise. It is bad enough at times even with all these medications. You just have to find the right cocktail for your body.

        Hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions. And most of all, talk to your Pdoc and good luck with that. Sometimes that is so hard, too. But you shouldn’t have to be suffering Akathesia, etc.

        Best wishes on all counts, Ellen

        Like

        • Dear Ellen,

          Thank you for the information on SJW. I’ll look into it and see what it feels like to me. I have some concerns, as I said, because of past experience. But I’m always willing to try new things, mostly… 🙂

          Yes I have read Electro-Boy and other of Andy Berhman’s works and respect him very much as a spokesperson for Bipolar. But as he says here, we’re all different in this illness and how we respond or react to different drugs. Frankly I’ve tried about 30 different psychotropic drugs and Abilify is the only one of the stabilizer type drugs I’ve been able to take. It keeps me OK from mania, but not from depression. The regime I’m on doesn’t address depression well. But I’ve tried Zyprexa, and other atypicals, all the mood stabilizers from lithium to depakote and others like lamictal and topomax as well. I’m not happy about how things are but I’m not going to quit my Abilfy just yet. I only take 5mg a day. Not a lot… I’m too unstable to do things like that right now I’m afraid.. Ah well. I have to do Something. My Naturopath gave me B -12 hot shots when I was severely depressed and it kicked me out of it so I have some hope. And I’m OK now… 🙂 I see my pdoc next week so we’ll talk….

          Anyway, enough for now…
          Best to you,
          Steve

          Like

      • Thought of some more to say on the medication issue. Have you tried mood stabilizers like Depakote, Lithium and Topomax? I couldn’t take any of them but my Pdoc says that if I could take one of those then I could potentially take a prescription anti-depressant because my mood would be stabilized. But I tried them and one thing or another didn’t work– nausea, etc. The same company that makes the St. John’s wort I told you about also has a homeopathic Lithium. I bought it months and months ago and my Pdoc wants me to try it but I have been sick so often with one thing or another and scared to try a new med that I haven’t tried it. I might once I get things a little more controlled physically. According to my Pdoc the ideal is to take a mood stabilizer. They are just so horrid. Have you tried them?

        Like

        • Yep I have, as you’ll note in my last response to you. I talked a lot more there. I wish I could take them myself but so far the Abilify is the only thing that works for me and the Akathesia isn’t that bad, usually./ sigh. Frankly I hate it but I hate weight gain and tardive diskenesia and the side effects from all the other meds worse. So we’ll see. Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it very much…
          peace,
          Steve

          Like

          • Oh, sorry, just got your two responses now. I don’t always get replies even with checking the box. Well, obviously you have done the rounds and Abilify works for you. However, the Artane is the anti-Parkinsonism that helps with the Akathesia and shakes and does not cause any side effects I have found in 30 something years. I do appreciate wanting to keep with meds that do work because it is so hard to get the right cocktail. But enough already Wanted to be thorough because it is important stuff. Best of luck to you. Peace, Ellen

            Like

            • Thanks for the tip about Artane. I’ll ask my pdoc about it next week. I’d love to have something that would alleviate the shakes. It’s getting bad enough that I shake my hands when i drive and that scares me a lot. Thanks for all your support. I really do appreciate your taking the time to talk with me. 🙂
              Peace,
              Steve

              Like

            • It’s always good when we can use past trials to help others and I appreciate your help a lot. I’ll talk to my pdoc about the Artane and see if she’ll let me try it. or maybe it’s time to re-think the Abilify. I just don’t know.
              Thanks again and have a good weekend yourself!
              Steve

              Like

  7. I’m so sorry to read your struggle. My son also has this dreadful disease and your comments are all too familiar. Please keep trying and attempt new things. There may be a combination someday that works for you. Take care.

    Like

  8. I know where you are coming from Steven. I hope things have eased up for you. Did you know that one of the earliest descriptions of Manic Depression was “circular insanity” in that it’s a cyclical illness so even though you may think you will be like this, you won’t. This too shall pass. I know it’s hard to believe but depression is a liar. You’ve hung in there for so many years with this illness. You are a brave soul don’t you forget that. I’m rooting for you!

    Like

    • Thank you for your supportive comments. I’m still stuck in the depressive cycle so it’s hard to hear these words. But I know you’re right. I just get so consumed with the depression that I can’t see out of the Pit. I’m changing my psych care now tho so hopefully I’ll get some help soon. Thank you again for your kind words.
      Peace,
      Steve

      Like

Please share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s