Stuck!

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I have a good life. I have a wonderful partner who loves me to death. I have a good home to live in and I’ve been able to improve it and add to its beauty, especially thru my love of gardening and what I’ve done there. But I’ve also added to the inside of the house and it feels more like mine instead of one I just moved into 4 years ago. I have good food to eat and a nice car and clothes and all I need to survive and be happy. But I’m not happy, and it’s driving me mad.

Or maybe I’m already there. I can’t seem to stop my brain from telling me that I’m a worthless piece of crap and I should just kill myself to make the world a safer place from idiots like me. It’s nonsense I know and I’m not a bad person. But this Bipolar Disorder really has taken hold of me right now and it won’t let me go no matter what I try to do.

I’ve been diagnosed with this dreadful illness for almost 18 years now and sometimes I really think I’m getting much better. I guess I am in many ways. My counselor and psychiatrist both think I’m doing well and treat me like I’m into recovery and on my way to feeling better. But it’s just not true. I’m still a mess most every day lately and it’s getting very challenging to live in my psyche.

I’m still in the Underworld despite the fact that I usually seem to come out of it around the Spring Equinox. I did some as I started to see the plants begin to bloom and grow. That helps me a lot to see Life arsing again and fulfilling it’s promise of beauty and continuation of existence. It’s so obvious to me that Life will find a way to continue and things happen as they do without our input or actions.

I have so much going for me I can’t understand why I’m so messed up and so full of suicidal ideation that I spend time every single day lately thinking about how to kill myself. I won’t of course. I couldn’t do that to Louie and my friends and family. I know this but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so many of my tricks to get my mind to shift out of this mess I’m in but I’m not having much luck. I’ve written a lot here on how I use certain ways of thinking to change my thoughts but right now it’s all bunk to me. Nothing is working.

You’d think I’d be on anti-depressants or something but I can’t take them because they make me crazier than I already am and have put me into the hospital more than once when I’ve had a bad reaction to them. They hurt me and I long for a pill or something that will change my negative self image to one that is more in line with reality and lets me enjoy my life again.

I know it’s terribly hard on Louie to see me go thru this. We talk about it often and he helps me so much just by listening to me and letting me know he cares. He saves my life more often than he knows. I’m so lucky to have him in my life and without him I’d probably give in and just off myself. I can’t seem to find my Joy button anymore and it hurts so much. Depression is a real physical disease and it Hurts to be depressed in your body as well as your mind. I’m already in pain from injuries I’ve sustained in my life and my dose of pain killers would kill most people.

So when you add in the depression it adds itself to the pain of my physical body it becomes an overload and I can’t seem to maintain. I fake it a lot. I think most people think of me as a positive person trying to make the best of a bad situation and that’s probably true. But it feels so phoney and fake to me to always have to pretend to be OK when I’m really not. It’s still too scary for me to come out about my Manic Depression in many venues and so I suffer in silence as so many of us do.

I don’t tell my neighbors, usually, what’s going on or my friends even. I don’t wanna bother them and have them turn away from me like so many have in the past because of this illness. It’s caused me to leave so many situations that just caused me distress and fear and led me to worse states so that I’m left with only a few friends now and I’m isolated too much of the time. I know I need to get out more but I feel too lousy and can’t seem to break out of the cycle.

I know this is a really lousy post and I apologize. This has been building up in me for so long I just had to vent a bit and explain how it feels for someone who is as together as I am to go thru such terrible disillusion. I can’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know who I am or why I’m here and I’ve usually known that. I’ve had visions of my life since I was in high school and I’ve followed them, often to glory but often to falling apart.

In the past 18 years I’ve gone thru so many changes. From the initial recognition of the illness to learning the tricks of the trade in how to keep yourself well to falling apart again and again to being OK again now and then. But it’s been awhile and I’m feeling the loss of my usual bright self and energetic persona. I just feel like a wet lump of dough or noodles overcooked and it’s like moving thru oil or honey just to walk some days. It’s very physical as well as mental.

I’m hoping that things will shift soon and I’m still trying to be OK. I talk to my counselor and psych. and to Louie and other friends a bit but not too much. Maybe it’s time to go back to the Bipolar Support group I used to go to. I wonder. Sometimes others with the same illness can be good support for one another and it’s helped me in the past. I need help now. Badly. I really don’t want to implode and end my life. It’d be so stupid and I know it always changes, but it’s so hard to wait it out and feel so powerless about it all.

My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder with rapid cycling and mixed states, which means I cycle back and forth from high to low too often and often will be in both places at once. It’s very confusing when I can look at my self and see how great it is and then in my inner experience it’s so terrible. It’s truly cognitive dissonance. I can’t seem to hold onto my brain and keep it running on the smooth track of self love but instead find myself on the hate train to hell. I’m so tired of it.

Is this going to be the way it is for the rest of my life or will they someday find a cure for this horrible illness that has so wrecked my lfe and made me into a different person than I used to be? I don’t like who I am right now at all… I have hope but not much. The same goes for the physical pain I live with. Together they overwhelm me too often, like today when I hurt so bad I’m at a 7 on a 10 point scale and it feels like it. I’ve had to take extra pain meds already and it’s only 11:30 in the morning.

I could use more pain killers it seems. But with the way things are going with the pain medication situation it’s so tricky just to get what I do. I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I lost the morphine. I wouldn’t be able to even function. I’d be in bed and in pain all the time and would eventually give in to it and just give up I suspect. Add in my occasional migraine and it’s a total picture of pain. It’s just too much.

OK I’ve talked enough here. I’m sorry this isn’t a more positive post. I am trying to get better. I really am.  But it seems so impossible that I feel the way I do when I have such a good life and it feels so unfair to me. Not just to me but to Louie and my other friends who have to deal with my moods and pain all the time. It’s hard on them and I’m grateful to them for staying with me and being my friends. I couldn’t do it without them.

I hope that my honesty and lack of inhibitions in talking about this will help others who suffer from this same illness feel more comfortable talking about it themselves. It’s OK, and even necessary, to air our hard stories about how difficult this illness is. I’m a big fan of education and if even one person reads this and understands more of what it’s like for us it’ll be fine with me. It’s Real and we’re Not faking it, despite the stigma we face… This is Life for way too many of us…

Wishing you a good day today,

Steve

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I’m an Angel!?

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I hardly know where to begin with this new award. It’s hard for me to envision myself as an Angel. I’m so many people you see. I go back and forth from being such a nice guy to being a jerk and from being happy and bright to sad and depressed so often with my Bipolar disorder. It’s difficult to see myself as an angel in anyone’s eyes, but I am in Dr Rex’s sight and it brings tears to my eyes. I’m so grateful for this look at myself that is so hard to take in and yet feels so good to receive. I’ve talked a lot about Dr. Rex on my blogs and I still find new things to say. I encourage you to go to her blog at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/2014/04/03/a-new-award-the-angel-award/ and read what she has to say about this award.

It’s a testament to her character that she has been given this award and I can surely see why she has it. She does such a good job of “Being There” for so many of us. She is an Angel in the best sense of the word as I understand it. She loves her readers and her work and is passionate about how she presents it all to the world. She’s very kind and loving and truly cares about the world and its inhabitants. She is an Angel for sure! I’m very grateful to her for giving me this award. It’s a relatively simple one, with no particular rules, so I’ll just follow her excellent lead and say that if you’re reading this blog you’re nominated for this award by me. It means that you care enough about what I have to say to read my work and that makes you an angel in my eyes.

I’m so grateful for all the wonderful readers I have here on Naked Nerves even tho I know that it’s probably challenging for some folks to read some of the topics I write about. I try my best to be real and write about the things that affect my life and those of others who have Invisible Illnesses and how we cope in the world. It’s a hard row to hoe but it’s worth it to receive this kind of wonderful feedback from Dr. Rex. I’ll try my best to keep being an angel in the ways I’m able to and to take in the award and make it feel real to myself.

You’re just witnessing how hard it is for some of us to accept compliments when we’re not feeling our best or worrying that we’re fakes and phoneys. I feel that a lot, so getting this kind of feedback is important to me and it’s important that I “Get It” and rely on someone else’s vision of me instead of just my own. So in that vein I thank you again Dr Rex, for your kindness and vision in granting me this award. I will do my best to live up to what it can mean. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comes to visit my site as well. You’re all Angels and without you all I wouldn’t even bother to be here. You’re the reason for me to blog, and I value you all immensely. Together we build a better world, one blog at a time…

Keeping the Faith,

Steve

Semper Fidelis Award

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Naked Nerves is honored to be nominated for the Semper Fidelis Award from Dr Rex at “It Is What It Is”. This is a relatively new award that is focused on loyalty and I can’t think of a more deserving person to receive this award than Dr Rex, or Horty as she goes by to her lucky friends. She is a model of a good blogger, writing interesting pieces of her own all the time and also re-blogging other pieces people have written that she feels should be shared. I’ve learned a lot from her and her posts and am very grateful for this knowledge and inspiration. I get new ideas and am made aware of things in our world that matter to me in her blog and it’s always helpful to me to read what she has to say. I especially appreciate that she posts other people’s stories as she helps so many of us become more exposed to a larger community thru her work. I’m one of those beneficiaries and it feels good to be recognized by her for my own work. I’ll do my best to be loyal to my readers and to the whole internet community with my writing as she does so well. I’m grateful to have her as a model and I encourage all of you to go to her site at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I’m sure you’ll be as inspired at her loyalty to all her fans and to the world’s needs as I am. She really knows how to make people feel good about themselves and to share those good feelings with all of us. Thanks Dr Rex for this great award and for all your good work!

 

In the words of the Award Creator, Just Patty, at:

http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/

~~The Semper Fidelis Award~~

“I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPressSemper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal.  Loyalty means the world to me.  I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well.  And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet.  So I am working on that!

Why the wolves?  Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack.  Like a family or a great group of friends.  And I just love them!”

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends.

I think this is a great thing to give an award for. Being loyal to one’s followers and to the folks who read our blogs is paramount to our success as bloggers if we have a goal of reaching out to the world as I do in Naked Nerves. I feel a delightful kinship with so many people on here thru the work I’ve done and the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I hope that my comments to others are as meaningful to them as theirs are to me. I’m always thrilled to see a new “like’ on my blog post or a comment especially. It’s good to get feedback that shows that we’re being true to our goals and intents in writing our blogs. Being loyal to the people who respond to you frequently or who have such worthwhile things to say to you is so wonderful. It makes blogging a precious way to interact with others and to keep up a dialogue with people you might never meet otherwise but have become true friends on WordPress thru our mutual blogs. My goal here is to show that loyalty I have for some of the people I have it for. I hope that folks will accept this award but know that the real intent here is just to let you know that I appreciate your loyalty to me and mine to you. If you’re on my list or if you’re not I’m grateful to you and thank you for your loyalty in your work – to me, to yourself, and to the whole blogging community. Thanks to all of you who have been reading this. I hope you’ll be back for more.

A brief note on wolves regarding myself. I used to study with a Native Medicine Man and received the name of White Wolf Walks Between, a very powerful and image laden name. I don’t tend to use it much anymore but it still resonates deeply with me and the plight of the wolves in our country really alarms me. I so hope that the wolf killing can stop and that the few packs we have can recover well and be regarded as essential parts of the Natural world, as they are. We don’t need to kill them. They were here first after all.. OK, enough of my connection with wolves. Back to the award…

Of course there are a few rules with this award, but they’re not too many and I think I can do them  I’ve listed them below just as Dr Rex has on her blog describing the award. I’ll do my best to live up to this award and to pay it forward.

THE RULES ARE

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Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Nominate other bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

Well I’ve already done the first two of the rules so I’ll focus now on people who I think show Loyalty in their blogs. Just because I haven’t mentioned  you don’t think I didn’t mean to. I tried not to overwhelm anyone with too many of these awards and so I’m just doing a few people to try to spread it around some more. That’s a big part of these awards and it’s always meant as a compliment to you if you receive a nomination. You’re free to accept it or not as you see fit. I know some folks probably don’t accept awards but that’s OK. You still deserve it! I hope you’ll accept it but if not please do know that I still feel you do a great job of being loyal to your work and to your followers and that you are appreciated for this. So here’s a few folks I think show exceptional loyalty in their work with me, with others and with their work themselves.

The Nominees:

Brenda at: http://friendlyfairytales.com/

Robbie at: http://palmraeurbanpotager.com/

Jane Adams at: http://janeadamsart.wordpress.com/

Wild Thang! at: http://tlohuis.wordpress.com/

Owl of Knowledge at: http://owlofknowledge.com/

Dan Riegler at: http://apothecarysgarden.com/

One Anna 65 at: http://cancerkillingrecipe.wordpress.com/

All of these folks have been good friends to me and to the worlds that they have created in their own work. I encourage all you readers to visit these folks and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot by doing so. I certainly have. These are the folks who keep me happy here and make me feel connected. As I said there are many more that I could include but just didn’t do so because I was trying to stay in this site and not include my other blog. I like all these blogs a lot and have found them to be sources of true inspiration and joy. Read them and see if you don’t agree with me. I’m sure you will. Thanks to all of you loyal bloggers who make WordPress the great place of interactivity it is.  You all make this a great place to be and I thank you deeply and with profound thanksgiving. Together we can change the world with our writing. We’re all connected in this sharing of insight and information.

Peace and Love to you all,

Steve