There is a strong link between physical pain and ones state of mind. I suffer from Chronic Intractable Pain, as well as Bipolar Disorder and the two are so often conjoined it’s difficult to tease them apart. In fact I usually can’t do it very well. When I hurt I feel depressed more often. And vice versa. It’s an ongoing cycle of misery.
I know this is obvious to anyone who deals with both of these things but maybe it’s not to other people, so I’m writing to educate as well as to empathize. Pain can shift your mood as quickly as a mood disorder can and when you have both going on it’s challenging.
I take medications for both these conditions every day to be alright. It doesn’t always work as I’d hoped tho and I’ve been trying to adjust things a bit lately to see if I can make a difference in how I feel. It’s being a mixed bag. I’m having to take a lot of extra drugs and I don’t like it. But I have to do something…
I’ve been trying to cut back on my morphine lately and it’s not going as well as I’d hoped. I take a large dose of extended release tablets so I can’t cut them in half and I have to go down a lot each dose. I went down a dose and I did OK, but I hurt a bit more. Then I went down another dose and did pretty well but I hurt even more. And my mood was getting bad.
When I went down the third dose I hurt too much and my mood started to go to hell. I was so depressed I was suicidal as I wrote in my last post. I couldn’t maintain well at all and was having a hard time holding onto my good feelings. So I decided that maybe it’s time to go back up on them again. I started out with one dose a few days ago and it’s already changed my moods. I hurt less.
Many of you may know that they used to give opiates for mood control back in the day. They did it because it works, tho the side effects are too dangerous to use it as a mood stabilizer and it kinda freaks me out that I’ve had this reaction to cutting back on my doses. I don’t want to be dependent on opiates for my moods as well as my pain control.
I haven’t spoken to my doctor about all this yet but I will next month when I see him. And if I can cut it back more slowly maybe I can do it and be OK. But it scares me to do it and have so much more pain and instability in my mood when I cut back. I take a large dose of opiates every day just to be alright and I see why I need that much when I stop them a bit now and then.
It’s good to check it out occasionally just to be sure I still need such a high dose. This experiment is telling me that maybe I can take a little bit less but not much. I need help to figure it out I think. I want to take less opiates for several reasons but it may not be possible for me. I may just have to live with it. Sigh….
But getting back to my story about the link between pain and mental health… In order to be OK with this kind of double whammy you really have to take good care of yourself. It’s so difficult to do when you know you need exercise, for instance, but you’re too tired to do it and you’re too depressed anyway, so why bother?
What a terrible attitude that can be. It’s not intentional it’s just the way it is. I have to work extra hard to do things that keep me limber and stretched out so I can feel looser when it gets so that I start to hurt. That requires a lot of exercise on my part and I don’t always do what I need to do. It’s not good.
So I try to stretch most every day and go for walks with my partner who also needs the exercise and it’s good we can do it together. We do the stretches that way too and work out on our weight machine in the garage when the weather allows us to. It’s been chilly here lately so it’s been hard to do that part of it.
Having both pain and a mental health condition requires you to always be on your best behavior. Even when you don’t feel like it you have to try. I know that sounds like a simple answer but it’s all we have. If we don’t take care of ourselves no one else will, and we live in pain and suffering and never gain our full potential. Pain holds us back as do our moods. When they conjoin it’s doubly hard.
Depression hurts all by itself they say, and I don’t know how much my pain is caused by that and how much is the back and body injuries that I have. Like I say it’s hard to tease them apart. Either one can precipitate a flare up – of depression or of pain. Either one can lead to the other in a loop effect that is always there. It feels like there’s no escape, and I guess there’s not. Triggers are everywhere.
But they say Living Well is the Best Revenge, and it’s true for suffering too. Living a good life and taking good care of yourself can go a long way towards alleviating both the pain and the depression when they take a hold of your life and turn it inside out.
It’s not the life I thought I’d be leading at this age but it’s what I’ve got and I’m so grateful for it. Now if I can just stay OK for a little while. I’d like to make it into the new year in one piece… 😉
Be as well as you can be,