“Being” or “Having” Bipolar

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There is much wisdom in saying that we Have a Mental Illness when we speak of our Bipolar Disorder. People say it gives us more Control. But there’s one aspect that is often forgotten. This illness by it’s very nature is cyclical, and our minds don’t always stay where we put them.

What I mean is that it’s fine and dandy to say you Have a mental illness and you Control it when you’re stable and doing OK and you can actually mean it. But when you go either too high or too low then you are Not in Control of your illness, By Definition!, and it’s silly to pretend you are, just because you use certain words to describe it.

I feel too much cognitive dissonance to think that I simply have an illness in the bad times. I’m Bipolar personified then. My emotions change and take me over and all I can see is where I’m at at the time. I can’t see out of my dilemma, even tho I Know differently.

It’s important to acknowledge where you’re at in life. If you’re in the pit or flying too high then you are Not in control of your illness. Why else take all those pills and go to therapy and do all the mind tricks we do to take care of  ourselves to be OK? If we weren’t messed up by the illness we wouldn’t need to do all that would we?  Of course not. We’d be fine like the rest of humanity… (some sarcasm here…)

Personally I use the terms interchangeably. I find them both empowering. I found it empowering the first time I was diagnosed 18 years ago at age 45 and I have ever since. I’ve had Bipolar my whole life and I’m considered a model of recovery by my Psychiatrist and counselor both. I do well mostly, and have a lot of insight into my illness. But I still lack that control much of the time.

Now and then I have some control, but I am Not in Control when push comes to shove. Then the bipolar takes over and I’m lost. That’s when I feel like I Am bipolar, deep in my bones. And you know what? I don’t mind calling myself Bipolar when I feel like that. It seems to fit me better than just saying I Have it. It’s more visceral.

I don’t mean this to be a downer for anyone. In fact I mean it to be empowering. I believe that You control your life in the long run. But being in control of your own life means accepting all the parts of it, even the Bipolar disorder that takes away that control.

In the end what matters most is how you relate to your illness and your strength to endure it. And I do mean endure because it’s hard as hell. Making peace with all parts of ourselves is crucial to this struggle. Accepting the dark parts of ourselves is a part of the Dance of Life, especially for those of us with Bipolar, and it’ll always be this way.

So think whatever you want. Call it by any name you choose. Relate to it however it gets you thru the night. It’s all good, but don’t think you have it under Control. Don’t make that mistake when you say you “just Have” this illness. It’s all too easy to think you have it all under control if you say you just have it. Be careful not to let it mean more than it can.

Words have power and the words you use will define things for you it’s true. But saying you Are Bipolar doesn’t hurt you. It means you know yourself. You know who you are in your worst moods. You know yourself deeply and fully and you accept responsibility for that knowing by claiming your identity. It’s OK to do this. It’s even wise I think.

And it’s also fine to think that you Have this illness. I don’t mean to imply differently. But I’ve written all of this just to point out that it’s not any one way all the time. It Changes! It’s cyclical and when it changes and you lose control, you have to accept where you’re at with whatever grace you can.

If that means saying you Have bipolar that’s cool. If it means you say you Are bipolar that’s cool too. Yes words have power, but only the power we give to them. We don’t have to lose what power we do have by always being “psychiatrically correct” in the words we use to describe our illness. We have free will in the definitions we use to talk about our lives, even if not completely in what our lives may have become.

Wishing you stability in the coming year,

Steve

Going Within at Sun’s Return

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Today is the day. A few hours ago the Cycle moved a notch and the Wheel turned and we started to begin the slow journey back to the Light. It’s been a dark time lately for many of us and it still is I know. But there’s a change in the air and it’s affecting us all, deep in our bones, as we go about our daily routines.

It’ll be a few days til we can see this change with the Light, as the sun revolves and the days get longer each day. Each day we have a chance to make new choices and to let go of the things that have been holding us back from our true selves. I know for myself I have a lot to let go of still, even tho I try to do it all year around. Aligning ourselves with the energies of the Cycle can help us if we just plug into them.

Today is the tipping point as I think of it. It’s the day when the energies are all beginning their slow turn toward the summer when it’s all bright out and the sun shines every day. We have to be out with the world more and deal with all the things that we’ve been putting off during this dark time. Maybe we should let them go first, ya think?

It may be getting lighter each day but we’re still coping with the fallout of the past few months of going into that darkness and it hasn’t left us by any means. It’s still in our deepest beings and we have to let it work in us and flush out all the detritus that has gathered in our psyches over the fall and into the winter.

I follow a calendar that changes with the cross quarter days- Mayday starts the summer, August the beginning of autumn, Halloween the start of winter and February the start of spring. So the Equinoxes and Solstices are actually the middle of each season to me. It may sound strange but millions of people have used this calendar over the centuries and it still works today.

So tho we’re at the beginning of the return of the light we’re still in the middle of winter and it won’t end till early February. By then when the groundhog can see its shadow again, we know that spring is coming soon and then we really have to be strong to stand the changes of that new growth. It may start small but it’s a grand scheme and it gets far more intense.

That’s why it’s so important to deal with the dark things now when it’s still dark out and in our psyches. We can access these things more easily now because they occupy our minds with dark thoughts and difficult ideas. It’s the time when we have the energy to go deep within ourselves and see those places where we hold all our darkest desires and passions.

It takes a lot of courage to do this. And it’s not easy to do at all. These things have often been with us for a long time, decades in some cases, but we know it’s time to let them go and we better do it now while we have the energies of the universe on our sides. It’s easier to go into the dark when it’s already dark. You’re more accustomed to it, so to speak.

I know it sounds crazy to think of purposefully going into the dark parts of ourselves. But it’s the way it has to be if you want to get over those things that have been holding you back from living your life. From being yourself, or in my case, from accepting myself. Lack of acceptance is one of those things that live in the darkness if it’s denied. You have to acknowledge it.

There are many things that live in that darkness – lack of self worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, despair, depression and all the rest of the things we deal with in our lives as people with mental illness. It comes with the  territory and it shifts as the seasons do in turn. Sometimes it’s easier but now’s not one of those times. It’s hard now.

I’m not suggesting that we should do things that are too hard for us, but I am saying that we have more working to help us now if we take advantage of it and use it to clear out the crap. We’re in alignment with the dark in ourselves now and it comes out daily for many of us unfortunately. But when it does what do you do with it? Do you let it take over or do you try to befriend it?

Befriending our dark places is the first step in coming to terms with them. Letting them be as they are and not trying to make them out as something they’re not is the best way to neutralize them. It’s difficult to do and I have a hard time of it myself but when I can do it I make great strides in my development. I can change myself if I try and make peace with myself.

There’s a theory that if we want peace in the world we first have to make peace with ourselves. That’s what I’m talking about here. Making peace with our deepest fears and lack of confidence. It can free up so much energy to do this if you can let it happen. What it takes is not necessarily an active process. It’s more of an allowing that has to happen.

So now as we start the journey back into the light we have a chance to allow our false selves to dissipate into the ether of our consciousnesses. Just let it go and be at peace with yourself. Sounds so easy doesn’t it? It’s not but it’s the path we all have to take to get to the other side of despair and depression. It can work if you allow it to.

Just be gentle on yourself and look within and see what you can find. Maybe you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to make peace with yourself and with the world as a result of it. This is called the Season of Peace by many and we can plug into that energy too. It’s all part of the Cycle and if we align to it we can make our lives more comfortable. Give it a try…

Happy Solstice to you and yours,

Steve

Physical Pain and Mental Health

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There is a strong link between physical pain and ones state of mind. I suffer from Chronic Intractable Pain, as well as Bipolar Disorder and the two are so often conjoined it’s difficult to tease them apart. In fact I usually can’t do it very well. When I hurt I feel depressed more often. And vice versa. It’s an ongoing cycle of misery.

I know this is obvious to anyone who deals with both of these things but maybe it’s not to other people, so I’m writing to educate as well as to empathize. Pain can shift your mood as quickly as a mood disorder can and when you have both going on it’s challenging.

I take medications for both these conditions every day to be alright. It doesn’t always work as I’d hoped tho and I’ve been trying to adjust things a bit lately to see if I can make a difference in how I feel. It’s being a mixed bag. I’m having to take a lot of extra drugs and I don’t like it. But I have to do something…

I’ve been trying to cut back on my morphine lately and it’s not going as well as I’d hoped. I take a large dose of extended release tablets so I can’t cut them in half and I have to go down a lot each dose. I went down a dose and I did OK, but I hurt a bit more. Then I went down another dose and did pretty well but I hurt even more. And my mood was getting bad.

When I went down the third dose I hurt too much and my mood started to go to hell. I was so depressed I was suicidal as I wrote in my last post. I couldn’t maintain well at all and was having a hard time holding onto my good feelings. So I decided that maybe it’s time to go back up on them again. I started out with one dose a few days ago and it’s already changed my moods. I hurt less.

Many of you may know that they used to give opiates for mood control back in the day. They did it because it works, tho the side effects are too dangerous to use it as a mood stabilizer and it kinda freaks me out that I’ve had this reaction to cutting back on my doses. I don’t want to be dependent on opiates for my moods as well as my pain control.

I haven’t spoken to my doctor about all this yet but I will next month when I see him. And if I can cut it back more slowly maybe I can do it and be OK. But it scares me to do it and have so much more pain and instability in my mood when I cut back. I take a large dose of opiates every day just to be alright and I see why I need that much when I stop them a bit now and then.

It’s good to check it out occasionally just to be sure I still need such a high dose. This experiment is telling me that maybe I can take a little bit less but not much. I need help to figure it out I think. I want to take less opiates for several reasons but it may not be possible for me. I may just have to live with it. Sigh….

But getting back to my story about the link between pain and mental health… In order to be OK with this kind of double whammy you really have to take good care of yourself. It’s so difficult to do when you know you need exercise, for instance, but you’re too tired to do it and you’re too depressed anyway, so why bother?

What a terrible attitude that can be. It’s not intentional it’s just the way it is. I have to work extra hard to do things that keep me limber and stretched out so I can feel looser when it gets so that I start to hurt. That requires a lot of exercise on my part and I don’t always do what I need to do. It’s not good.

So I try to stretch most every day and go for walks with my partner who also needs the exercise and it’s good we can do it together. We do the stretches that way too and work out on our weight machine in the garage when the weather allows us to. It’s been chilly here lately so it’s been hard to do that part of it.

Having both pain and a mental health condition requires you to always be on your best behavior. Even when you don’t feel like it you have to try. I know that sounds like a simple answer but it’s all we have. If we don’t take care of ourselves no one else will, and we live in pain and suffering and never gain our full potential. Pain holds us back as do our moods. When they conjoin it’s doubly hard.

Depression hurts all by itself they say, and I don’t know how much my pain is caused by that and how much is the back and body injuries that I have. Like I say it’s hard to tease them apart. Either one can precipitate a flare up – of depression or of pain. Either one can lead to the other in a loop effect that is always there. It feels like there’s no escape, and I guess there’s not. Triggers are everywhere.

But they say Living Well is the Best Revenge, and it’s true for suffering too. Living a good life and taking good care of yourself can go a long way towards alleviating both the pain and the depression when they take a hold of your life and turn it inside out.

It’s not the life I thought I’d be leading at this age but it’s what I’ve got and I’m so grateful for it. Now if I can just stay OK for a little while. I’d like to make it into the new year in one piece… 😉

Be as well as you can be,

Steve

Depression Abounds

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I’ve been reading a lot of posts on the Bipolar Blogroll this morning and it seems like a Lot of people are suffering right now with severe depression. Like the type where you just want to die or hide out from those in your life, or tell all your friends to go away and leave you alone. Bad stuff. It hurts to read all these posts because they’re so close to home for me right now.

I’ve been in a depression for weeks now I guess. It’s so hard to tell sometimes. I just feel bad and out of it. I wake up crying every day and not just for me, it’s for the world and all the suffering in it. I cry at the strangest things and at the most inopportune times. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Too much pain and sorrow to have seen.

But I know I’m not alone in this. There are so many of us who suffer from this horrible disorder. Sometimes it feels like my whole being has been taken over by an alien life form and I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be a happy person in my life, didn’t I? I think so. Or at least I could fake it well enough to get by.

But faking it is real hard right now. I try to write about it but I just get stuck and can’t say what I want to say. I’ve deleted my last two posts here because I just hated what I was writing so much. I wonder how many others do that, or do they just let it be and see what happens. I can’t risk that I guess.

I feel too vulnerable already. Like my world is falling apart. And the strange and awful thing is that my life is really pretty damn good. I have a lover and partner who loves me and a house to live in and food to eat and even have mental health care that’s pretty good. I have a lot of good things in my life, but I’m still suicidal. Why the Fuck do I feel this way?

Going up and down all the time gets so old. It’s so hard on you and takes away your sense of self and your ability to just feel OK. It’s a cruel disease and I’ve read that they’re now being able to image it on a MRI when someone is having a bipolar episode. Maybe it’ll be better if we can “Prove” we’re sick, but I dunno.

There’s so much stigma against mental illness. I’m pretty open about it to people who I feel safe with, but it’s a difficult call and I’ve been burned more than once by being honest. So I watch who I tell but I tell everyone I can. Does that make sense? See, I figure that only by telling our stories will we ever gain the respect of the world and let them see us as humans who are damaged and sick and need help instead of ridicule.

So I keep trying to stay OK and not kill myself. It’d be way too hard on my partner and my few friends. I’ve lost most of them over the years due to this disorder because it does have a chilling effect on relationships at times. Especially when they don’t see you as sick.

That’s why I wrote about this as an Invisible Illness. It’s not often that people see me as sick or ill in any way let alone in my head. I hide it really well and I function well enough to be able to pull it off. Hit in my weaker moments when I’m all alone and feeling bad about myself and none of that matters. All that counts is the way I feel at this exact moment.

My counselor tells me that I’m in a depression when I feel this way and that it’ll change. I know that. I guess that’s the one awareness that keeps me going. But I don’t believe it much when I feel this bad. It’s hard to stay positive tho that’s my usual attitude. But sometimes it’s just too hard as I’ve spent days being depressed every single day lately and it’s being way hard on me. I want to die so badly.

But I won’t do anything rash or kill myself. People care about me even if it’s not that many. I’d leave a big hole in my social circle if I wasted myself, so I won’t do it. I did try it once and failed, fortunately, but I could try again and I sort of made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t do it so this is all so much more anguish because I can never end it.

If I thought I’d stop it by dying I would, but I doubt it’d end the suffering , it’d just transfer it to someone else, and that’s not cool. Other people would be hurt and I can’t do that to them. They’ve cared too much for me to betray that confidence they have in me now.

I do love myself and I’m so grateful for all the good things in my life. But I sure wish the depression would give me a break. I want to stop my antipsychotics so I’ll get hypomanic but I know that’s a bad idea. I’ll just get irritable and angry if I do that, too manic. I would love to feel Good like I used to when I’d get hypomanic. I used to revel in it but these days it’s so rare and damaging it scares me. And it’s “just” hypomania not full blown stuff. It’s bad enough.

They say Bipolar II is “Bipolar Lite” sometimes because we don’t have full blown manias, tho I have had them but never got caught in one…. So I was diagnosed with BP II and it fits me cause I’m so depressed so much. I can’t imagine thinking this illness is anything like “Lite” tho. It’s so hard on me how can it be a light disease? It kills people damnit.  It’s not an easier way to be than BP I. It’s just different.

I have a lot of rapid cycling and mixed states, when I’m either going up and down all the time or I’m in both places at once. It’s not supposed to be possible with BP II but there it is. I do have mixed states a lot and they’re so dangerous. I have plenty of energy to kill myself and the desire too, so watching out is the way to proceed.

I just need to keep it up. With the pain and the depressions I have a lot to deal with. But I have a lot of good help and support too. Without it I’d be dead for sure. So I’m grateful and thankful for my life despite all the traumas and dramas. It’s a good life and it’s mine. What else do I need?

Struggling with the rest of you,

Steve

Faith in Life

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This post may not be exactly what you might think it is. Most people when they speak of faith are using it in a religious context. That’s not what I’m doing here as my title might suggest. I’m not a religious person, tho I consider myself spiritual in many ways. But I’m not a Theist or a Deist. I don’t believe in a God or Goddess or a Creator of all we see. I don’t believe in Spirits. I believe in  Life.

What I mean by this is that I have faith in the continued movement of the cosmos, in the turning of the stars and the suns and the planets. I have faith closer to home too. That the sun will rise tomorrow and the flowers will grow and bloom, that the mountains will stay strong and only fall to the ground when it is their time, just as all life does. I have faith in the Cycle of it All.

It’s not that I haven’t been exposed to other ways of thinking. I was raised in a benevolent Christian household and in church I learned the Golden Rule and to respect others. I learned about Heaven and Hell but they never seemed real to me. I played the piano in my Sunday school and the organ in church and I was the president of my Young Life group, an organization for Christian youth. But it didn’t take…

By around the age of 14 I started to question things. It was 1963 and the world was in upheaval. Everyone everywhere was questioning the satus quo and the current beliefs about the Nature of Reality. Politics were the big game of course but religion took a close second place as a strong contender for challenge. Many of us came to doubt the words we’d learned in church or from religious people.

We learned to rely on each other and on ourselves, which is what I still do. I trust my lover to love me, my friends to care for me and my community to sustain and nurture me. I have faith in the goodness of people as well as the badness in them too. I have faith that people will be who they say they are and when I see differently I adjust my thinking to mirror reality.

I’ve also followed many different spiritual paths, from Eastern thought to Western. I did Yoga at a young age, and read about Zen and Taoism and Buddhism as well as mystical Christianity and Rumi. I was initiated into the Way of Medicine by a Native American teacher in my 30’s and then into a form of witchcraft (don’t get scared…) that was mellow and focused on the  turning wheel of the seasons and of life. It nurtured my sense of being a gardener and the cycles of the seasons we constantly follow. But I never deified it.

Of course there were so many politics in the pagan community that I finally came to an ending with all of them. I just couldn’t take the pronouncements of people who said they communed with Spirit and told me things that seemed wrong to me and challenged my world view of loving kindness. Not bad people, but some bad intents were all a part of my experiences and I stay away from that crowd now, tho I still note the passing of the seasons with good cheer and my own simple rituals.

I still have faith in that cycle of the seasons and the turning wheel of life. It helps to keep me going when I lose it and can’t find my way. I Know that tomorrow the sun will rise and the trees will grow and provide solace for me and for those like me who have faith in Nature, and in their fellow humans and in themselves most of all. When you have Bipolar Disorder you need an anchor, and Faith in the cycles of Life is mine.

I believe in a current, if you will, that travels throughout all life and connects us with one another. It’s pretty obvious when you go into quantum mechanics and new wave physics that we’re all made of the same stuff. Stardust some say and I like that metaphor. Of course it’s also a truism. We Are stardust and are made of the same elements that make up the cosmos. We’re all One with it. The same Energy is in us all.

So it isn’t hard to have faith in the way I’ve described it. You don’t need some entity of whatever sort telling you what to do. I’ve had it with higher powers that use me to embody their words and then turn their backs on me when I need them. Yes I have voices in my head all the time and they tell me some strange things. But as time has gone on I’ve learned which ones are goofs and which are real and I only listen to the real ones now. I hope… 😉

I used to follow many of those voices in my head because I was taught that they were the source of my spirituality and my connection to Spirit. But I’ve found that many of them lead me into blind corners and just goof on me and treat me badly. Some are in direct contradiction with my “Elders”. So what do I do then? I’ve learned to keep my own counsel and my own brand of Faith.

I lose it so easily it seems and it’s hard to stay positive sometimes but faith is the thing that keeps me going when all else fails. Faith that it’ll wear off and I won’t be in a depression when I come out of it. It works. I have faith in a change. It always changes if you just wait it out, like a bad drug trip or something. It’s just chemicals in your brain so why sweat it? Keep faith in yourself and all will go well.

That’s what I believe in keeping faith in and so far I’ve done well with it. I try to love myself these days and I have others who love me too and that’s what counts to me at this point in my later life. I have faith in Love, along with Nature and people and all the rest of reality. It is what it is and I have faith in it’s continuance. It’s all I need.

Keeping the Faith,

Steve

Keeping My Sense of Humor

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Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. Sometimes it just gets so absurd that there’s nothing else to do about it but take a totally different approach. When working on yourself to change your state of mind becomes burdensome laughter is the answer. I couldn’t stay alive if I didn’t laugh as much as I do. It gets me thru some very hard times.

I’m lucky to have a goofy partner. He has a great sense of humor that transcends my own, and often when I reach that point where I just seem to come unglued all I need to do is talk to him and he throws out a non sequitur or a pithy remark and my mood changes instantly. His goofiness really does help me change my life for the better, and I’m so grateful for him in my life..

The issue for me seems to be that I cycle so frequently from up to down that I can’t seem to keep a hold on my thoughts or my mind. When I get that way I’ve found that I often need help to change my mood. I can’t always do it for myself so having his humor is often critical for me. It cuts thru my melancholy or sadness or freakouts like a sharp knife thru butter. It’s amazing. Humor is like that.

Poking fun at oneself has been a tradition in oppressed cultures around the world for centuries I’d guess, since it’s so prevalent today. Gay humor, Black humor, Jewish humor, Native American humor… I could go on. All of these cultures have developed a way of laughing at their sorrows and problems that is inspiring to me and helps me do it for myself too. When you’re down you might as well have some company, eh?

It’s hard for me to tell if I’m always like this when I cycle so much. My style of Bipolar Disorder is called Rapid Cycling with Mixed States. That means I flip from up to down a lot and often, or I’m in both places at once. This is a challenge to say the least. When I’m in this state it feels like I’ve been in it forever and am there all the time. But I know that’s not true. I hope it’s not anyway.

I get so serious about it. It takes me away from myself and my life so quickly and without warning that it catches my breath and I fall into the pit in an instant. On the other hand something good can happen and just as fast I’m flying high and feeling so good about my life that the bad parts seem not ever to have been there. I really do try to live in the present, but so much is in my emotions, for better and for worse, and the emotion of laughter is the one that’s most important for me to keep strong.

It’s not easy to do this when I change so often. I never know just who I’m going to be each day. Or each minute sometimes. To be precise, I have Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar, which means I often cycle several times every day, not just the 4 times a year that the DSM says is my criteria. What’s so hard about it is it’s intensity and suddenness. It just happens so fast I can’t keep up with it. It takes me over almost completely for at least awhile.

Anything can set me off. I have tons of triggers – those things that can flip me into a different state of mind so quickly it’s almost like it’s hard wired in me. This attitude I have that if I mess up or make a mistake I should just kill myself for instance. It’s so common for me that I live with suicidal ideation much of the time. I went thru a period when I didn’t feel this awhile back but it’s come back again and doesn’t look like it’s going away soon. Winter can be a hard time for depression.

I don’t mean to whine or complain here. I’m just stating the facts of my life in the hopes that others will recognize these traits in themselves and connect with my words and know that there are others like us out here who cycle so often that we just flip out. That’s when I try to laugh at it and turn it around on myself to something else. Something I can enjoy, instead of simply endure.

So getting back to where I started, you can see why I have to just laugh at this. I mean c’mon… how  silly is it to think that I should actually Die, just because I messed up or did something not as well as I should have or just because a thought came into my mind that I should die. What can I do but laugh at this absurdity?

It’s so crazy and Louie helps me realize this so quickly that I’ve learned that I need to just talk about this stuff when I can. Getting it out in the open often is what brings on the laughter, or at least a bemused smile of recognition that I’m doing it to myself once again. I, like many of us, am my own worst enemy. Since I Know that I can ask for help without shame or guilt and just let myself Receive. But, man, is that a hard one!

Accepting help is one of the toughest things I have to do when I’m not well. I want so much to be in control and that’s when I’m least in control, so what do I do? Either I spend time ruminating on how bad things are or I try to shift them to something different. Something lighter and not so heavy on my spirit. Just receiving help is hard enough, but asking for it is a whole other level of difficulty. I’ve gotten way better over the years but it’s still difficult for me.

I’m so grateful to have Louie and to have a great counselor who is very proactive in helping me to work on myself in hard ways sometimes. He helps me laugh at myself too, tho it’s not as quick a fix as it is with Louie. It’s more work to delve deeply into the heart of things than just to have a realization that you’re being stupid and change it. Working on yourself is hard work and yet it’s the only way to get thru this stuff, or so I believe.

I recently asked my Psychiatrist how she thought I was doing. I’ve been seeing her for many years and I’ve been thru some very hard times with her around. She said she thought I’d gained a lot of insight into my condition and was doing really well. We even decided that I could stop seeing her every month and go to every other month. I guess I’m a model of Recovery…

This is great news for me. I feel so under the thumb of the Medical Establishment sometimes it drives me nuts. But they help me so I go to them. Accepting help even when I may distrust the source as I do with Psychiatry. They have their models and frankly I subscribe to the idea of neuro-chemicals flooding my system and making me crazy. I Feel them in my body. But I go on with my life and find humor even in the thought of me being a Model of Anything… It makes me laugh.

I do seem to be a model of Recovery tho, and I am doing well. I have to give credit to the fact that I’ve kept such a good sense of humor about the absurdity of life in general and mine in particular, and the great joys that can come when you can let go of the suffering and pain for a bit. I’m so grateful to those times when I can laugh at my problems instead of wanting to kill myself. I guess that’s kinda simplistic isn’t it? But it’s so real to me that I take it seriously. Laughter is serious business after all when it means that you might live or die.

Jeez, I’m such a drama queen, aren’t I? 😉 Enough…

Steve