Hoist On My Own Petard

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It figures. Last time I wrote on here I did a post on re-framing my past and how I tried to look at my life differently so I could unhook the bad stuff and be OK with it all. So what happens? I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in 10 or 15 years and all of a sudden I’m thrown back into the times I knew her and what all happened then. She was around for much of the dysfunction I went thru when I had my breakdown in ’95 and before and after that. So she knows my story, or thought she did….

I thought I could just relate some of what happened to me back then, but I found myself slipping into the emotions of the past as all the pain and hurt I experienced when I fell apart back then came flooding back. I couldn’t shut it out and I wrote her things I wish I hadn’t just to vent some and get it out of my system. I couldn’t stop myself and I made a fool of myself, tho she kindly didn’t think so, so maybe I’m being too hard on myself. She thought so.

I was caught right in the middle of the situation I’d just written about where I had to look at things differently. Over the course of a few emails we worked out the issues thru discussion and I came to a feeling of acceptance, which was my goal, but it sure was hard to do. I talked in my last post like it was something that I’m good at doing, and I guess I am, but man it’s hard. I had to re-frame in progress and that’s not easy.

I found myself defending my actions instead of just trashing myself tho I did plenty of that too. You see I feel responsible for losing it and letting the Non-Profit Educational Learning Center I created in ’91 fall apart when I fell apart in ’95. It was a great community resource and I lost it and couldn’t keep it going. I thought I’d be doing it for the rest of my life but life intrudes in strange ways and changes things.

My emotions got pretty whacked by the experience back then and it’s clear I’ve still got some residual anger and bitterness about it all, even tho I can say I did a great job of it and helped a lot of people. But that flies out the window when I go down the low road to depression, which I did in the time it took me to write a single email. Wow.

That resonates with my earlier post on Cycling. What I did was do an Ultra Rapid Cycle in a couple of minutes. It really did happen that fast. I’ve had this happen hundreds of times but I still can’t get used to it very well. It’s so powerful. I feel overwhelmed by it and I hate feeling disempowered. I’m used to being in control, tho that’s a joke when you have Bipolar Disorder with rapid cycling and mixed states so often, even tho I’m a model of recovery in many ways.

I see my lesson here as once again being myself and accepting my foibles and crashes and not beating myself up for them. I do the best I can and it’s pretty good. I’m in a bit of a shaky state right now in that I’m both trying to figure out which of my supplements is making me sick, so I’m doing a trial of quitting them all and then adding one back at a time to see if I can see which ones hurt me. And I’m also cutting back on my morphine and that’s causing some withdrawal I think.

I take a huge dose of the stuff for my pain and it comes as 30 mg extended release tablets so I can’t cut them in half. So when I decided to go down on them I had to do it 30 mgs at a time which is a big dose. I went off the first 30 and I did OK for 2 weeks so I went on down another 30 and it’s been a week and 1/2 and I’ve been feeling it some. My pain is coming back and I feel lousy. So I have those extra bits of emotional triggers to add to my distress in the emails I did.

It’s all part of my life and I have to just go with the flow and do the best I can. It’d be so nice to cut my opiates and not be so dependent on them for my survival. But that may not be possible. I may have to take a large dose of them for years, as I have already. And of course I still take my Bipolar meds too – an Anti-psychotic called Abilify and some Klonopin and Buspar for anxiety. I can’t take antidepressants like most people with BP, as they can make us manic. Not good…

So what is this rambling post all about anyway? I guess I’m just reflecting on my own attempts to live my life without so many regrets for my actions and behaviors of the past, and acknowledging that sometimes I’m a bit too facile in thinking that I can fix things easily. I can’t. I made a lot of mistakes but I did a lot of good work too, and I have to remember that part and not put so much emphasis on the bad stuff.

It’s that simple but it’s so difficult to do. I keep saying that and I don’t mean it to sound like I’m a victim. I don’t feel like one. But I do feel  out of control often and that’s a challenge for anyone, especially when your mind is playing games with you and you hurt all the time.

But life is grand anyway. I have so many good things to be grateful for and I give thanks for them every day. I’m grateful for the people who read my blogs here and on other sites I belong to. I don’t get out as much as I’d like to and I intend to change that soon, but the web has been a salvation for me in terms of airing my opinions and feelings about my life.

This blog in particular is about my feeling Invisible in my Illnesses. That’s still my main theme here, and as you can see, all that I’ve just been thru was invisible to anyone else I didn’t let on to about it. I told my partner of course but he gets it pretty well and cuts me slack. I have to cut myself the slack tho. And I am. And here I feel like maybe I’m Visible for a change.

Do you see me?

Steve

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2 comments on “Hoist On My Own Petard

  1. Lots of reflecting on the past recently which certainly brings up emotions. Fortunately I was encouraged to go to Lake Washington today to watch the birds and water move. Just the right thing.
    Though I learn from my reflections, I was beginning to feel sad also and unable to bring up any interest in the things I normally would want to do and some things I just need to do. I wonder if being in my 60’s is making such a difference. I am finding my way with this reality of living older.

    Like

    • Well we both just had 60-ish birthdays recently, and that brings up things for me I know. Growing older gracefully is certainly an art.

      I’m glad you go to go to the Lake. It’s peaceful, and the wind and water wash away the sorrows. Emotions come and go… Hopefully we gain awareness thru the process. 😉

      Thanks for visiting me…
      peace,
      Steve

      Like

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