Despair Takes a Holiday

Well I knew it was bound to happen. I knew that if I just waited it out I’d feel better in awhile. Not that I’m not still depressed. I am. But I feel like I’m in a strange sort of bipolar mixed state, where I’m depressed but also a bit hypomanic and so I was able to do things like go for a walk with my partner earlier today in the brief Seattle winter sunshine, and to go to an appointment with my Oncologist later on.

He told me my PSA is way down and I still have no trace of the prostate cancer that attacked me a couple of years ago and caused me to undergo Brachytherapy surgery, the kind where they insert radioactive pellets inside your prostate. We used to joke that I glowed at night and it made certain things easier.. ahem…. Geez, if I can joke like that I Must be better eh?

Anyway, in looking at some things in my past, I’m clearly doing pretty OK now. I’m still dealing with some severe problems, and I’m still upset about them. I don’t like it when things get me down like this tho and I had to first just give in to them and let them drag me to the bottom of the Pit of Despair. Then I wallowed around down there for whatever length of time I seemed to need to and then I started to come back out again, like now, finally.

That began yesterday and I’ll credit my counselor for at least a good part of it. It helps to have someone who’s known you for years as a therapist and can tell you that you’re in a depression and not thinking clearly. I knew I wasn’t OK, but I couldn’t really grasp it and hold onto it till we talked and I got the objective observation that I was over magnifying my problems as I usually do when I’m in that state. So, thanks to him and to good counselors everywhere who help us out when we’re down.

I also talked to my partner about my troubles and the issue that has me most in despair – my sexual dysfunctioning. He can’t do anything about it and neither can I but it helps to have someone to voice things to when you’re struggling with an issue that affects you both, even if it’s a problem with my body. He doesn’t judge me for it and is simply there as I need him to be and it helps so much.

I’m lucky to have a lover in my life who is so unflappable even if it galls me sometimes when he doesn’t react the way I want him to, like I do in other words….<grin> He’s a blessing in my life and I’ll keep saying it as long as we’re alive and together, hopefully forever.

They say Life is Uncertain and that you should eat dessert first. Well I haven’t been eating much dessert but I have had a few holiday cookies. And I’m letting the spirit of the season infect me as much as I can. I’m just not up to writing holiday cards yet, but I will be in time. But I have worked at decorating the house and yard with lights for the Solstice, as you can see on my other blog in my most recent post called “A Garden Of Lights”. How can you stay depressed and write a post that glowing, literally?

I’m lucky to have 2 blogs going at once. I decided when I started them that I’d always be positive in my Gardening blog and I have been. I leave my troubles to this space where I purposefully use it as a place to talk about the hard things in my life. Kinda Bipolar I guess but it works for me.

This blog is so helpful to me, to be able to share my thoughts with the world, whether anyone reads it or not, tho I do so appreciate the readers and the feedback they give, believe me. Talking about my problems has always been one of the ways I do best when I’m in a stew and this blog allows me to do that. So thanks for reading it.

I’ve also done some conscious work on myself in the last few days, and I’ve allowed things to just shift of their own accord, in the Way of the Spirit of Life. Time does heal me when I allow it to. My motto of “Give it Time” is true for me and has been for years. I just need to remember it and not get all twisted up in my angst and anger at my problems.

Tho actually anger can be a good sign I think, compared to bleak despair and depression. Anger has energy to it and helps me shift out of things faster, as long as it’s appropriate and not directed at the wrong targets. I’m careful to not just vent, a lesson I learned from a boyfriend years ago who did that to me. I thank him for the lesson but I don’t allow people to vent at me anymore. It’s damaging and I don’t do it to others if I can help myself, and I usually can.

So even tho I’m still unhappy and having to struggle to maintain a decent state of mind, I do seem to be taking a brief holiday from my despair and I’m grateful for that. It’s good to have breaks in the drudgery. Who knows where I’ll be at tomorrow after all? The one constant is Change and I know that one all too well. I’m glad I’ve changed a bit recently and just hope that it stays with me for awhile. I hope the same for those of you who are struggling with your own demons right now too. Hang in there and give it some time. It’ll change….

In a Holiday Spirit,

Steve