It seems incredible to me that just because I forgot to take my pills last night that I should suffer so much for it. But that’s what it’s like when you live with Chronic Intractable Pain coupled with Bipolar disorder with recurrent depression. Last night I got some nice feedback on my other blog site, a gardening website and blog. I should have been elated. But my fickle depressive mind turned that into a dejected feeling and I was in a haze of misplaced rejection when I went to bed and I simply forgot my pills. I Never forget my pills you must realize. I Know it’s hell to pay if I do but still I forgot. Now I’m paying.
I’ve done what I can to ameliorate this situation. I took my breakthru meds early today and I’ll take extra if I Have to. I have my doc’s permission to do that on occasion when I’m really hurting, and I’m really hurting today. Too much for just one silly mistake it would seem. It’s just not fair. But then Chronic Illness is never fair and I know that from years and years of living with the Invisible Illnesses of pain , depression, mania and migraines as well as arthritis and fibromyalgia. I’m kind of a mess. But usually I’m a happy guy and have a great life with a wonderful partner who loves me more than I deserve and is the light of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He kindly told me I looked a little the worse for wear this morning and I almost laughed it was so gentle and kindly meant. But he was right I’m sure if how if feel is any judge.
Bu I’ve been working on my computer for awhile now to try to get my head at least into a different place, even if my body won’t cooperate yet. It’s sunny out right now in the midst of our Seattle rainy season and I should go for a walk soon and I will. I”ll have to force myself but that’s what you have to do sometimes. It takes courage to live with these conditions and I don’t lack for it but sometimes it fails me and I just want to hide somewhere in a hole and throw the covers over my head and make the world go away for awhile. I did that the first thing this morning after I’d eaten something and Taken my morning pills. I rested awhile to let myself catch up to where I was at. You have to allow yourself to rest somtimes when you have these situations and these conditions. It’s essential, rest is. I often will take naps in the afternoon to help make it thru the day and it doesn’t seem to hamper my sleep.
But I was restless last night and had a groggy morning and when I saw my nightstand and the pills I should have taken last night I had this sinking feeling in my heart and a flash of anger at myself ans then a resigned feeling and an awareness of what was wrong with me and why I felt the way i did. It’s worse when it’s your own bloody fault ya know. Oh well, no sense beating myself up is there? I do try to stay positive and had some nice Likes on my gardening post today that actually made me happy. This is good progress and I give myself credit for it. I can overcome this if i give myself the space to learn and remember that I may need some help from my partner in the future to remember to take the silly pills. I shouldn’t call them silly. They’re actually pretty heavy. Morphine is the strongest one, tho the abilfy , an antipsychotic that helps me stay somewhat stable is also missing from my system today and some other thing I really should have in my blood aren’t there in the way they should be. It’s a big deal.
But enough of this. I’ve given you a small glimpse into my life of Invisible Illness and I hope you’ll read more as I learn and post and share some things on how I stay as well as I do with these totally debilitating diseases. I do have support as I’ve said and that helps. But it’s up to to me in the end and I’m up for it.
Thanks for reading,