I Forgot My Pills Last Night

It seems incredible to me that just because I forgot to take my pills last night that I should suffer so much for it. But that’s what it’s like when you live with Chronic Intractable Pain coupled with Bipolar disorder with recurrent depression. Last night I got some nice feedback on my other blog site, a gardening website  and blog. I should have been elated. But my fickle depressive mind turned that into a dejected feeling and I was in a haze of misplaced rejection when I went to bed and I simply forgot my pills. I Never forget my pills you must realize. I Know it’s hell to pay if I do but still I forgot. Now I’m paying.

I’ve done what I can to ameliorate this situation. I took  my breakthru meds early today and I’ll take extra if I Have to. I have my doc’s permission to do that on occasion when I’m really hurting, and I’m really hurting today. Too much for just one silly mistake it would seem. It’s just not fair. But then Chronic Illness is never fair and I know that from years and years of living with the Invisible Illnesses of pain , depression, mania and migraines as well as arthritis and fibromyalgia. I’m kind of a mess. But usually I’m a happy guy and have a great life with a wonderful partner who loves me more than I deserve and is the light of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He kindly told me I looked a little the worse for wear this morning and I almost laughed it was so gentle and kindly meant. But he was right I’m sure if how if feel is any judge.

Bu I’ve been working on my computer for awhile now to try to get my head at least into a different place, even if my body won’t cooperate yet. It’s sunny out right now in the midst of our Seattle rainy season and I should go for a walk soon and I will. I”ll have to force myself but that’s what you have to do sometimes. It takes courage to live with these conditions and I don’t lack for it but sometimes it fails me and I just want to hide somewhere in a hole and throw the covers over my head and make the world go away for awhile. I did that the first thing this morning after I’d eaten something and Taken my morning pills. I rested awhile to let myself catch up to where I was at. You have to allow yourself to rest somtimes when you have these situations and these conditions. It’s essential, rest is. I often will take naps in the afternoon to help make it thru the day and it doesn’t seem to hamper my sleep.

But I was restless last night and had a groggy morning and when I saw my nightstand and the pills I should have taken last night I had this sinking feeling in my heart and a flash of anger at myself ans then a resigned feeling and an awareness of what was wrong with me and why I felt the way i did. It’s worse when it’s your own bloody fault ya know. Oh well, no sense beating myself up is there? I do try to stay positive and had some nice Likes on my gardening post today that actually made me happy. This is good progress and I give myself credit for it. I can overcome this if i give myself the space to learn and remember that I may need some help from my partner in the future to remember to take the silly pills. I shouldn’t call them silly. They’re actually pretty heavy. Morphine is the strongest one, tho the abilfy , an antipsychotic that helps me stay somewhat stable is also missing from my system today and some other thing I really should have in my blood aren’t there in the way they should be. It’s a big deal.

But enough of this. I’ve given you a small glimpse into my life of Invisible Illness and I hope you’ll read more as I learn and post and share some things on how I stay as well as I do with these totally debilitating diseases. I do have support as I’ve said and that helps. But it’s up to to me in the end and I’m up for it.

Thanks for reading,

Steve

Advertisements

8 comments on “I Forgot My Pills Last Night

  1. Thanks for your supportive comments on my blog post regarding skipping med doses. It truly does negatively affect us. This post was so good, I shared it on Twitter. Hope you don’t mind.

    Like

    • You’re very welcome Kitt. We’re all in this together, despite the isolation we all feel at times. It’s fine that you shared this post and I’m honored that you felt it was worthwhile enough to do so. Thanks for your support!
      Be well,
      Steve

      Like

  2. I know the hell of missed meds very well. Yesterday forgot Klonopin and was wondering around Harlem, teary, feary and faint. I was so mad at myself when I found out what I did. Missing the anti-psychotics is even worse– complete mess. I am Bipolar 1, Aspergers, OCD and have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and migraines 2-3 x a week plus seem to catch every bug around. But nothing that requires morphine. Hats off to you!! It is so hard having invisible illnesses. People do not understand. I am sure you know better than I do. Anyhow, I think I found you through Kitt. She is just great!! Nice to meet you.

    Like

    • Nice to meet you too. Kitt is great I agree. And I think you know plenty about Invisible Illness from your story you tell here. What a life, eh? It’s so impossible when something so simple as a missed dose of Klonopin can tear you to shreds, but it can. Been there too. Each med seems to have a life of its own that can impair ours while other times it can help. It’s a crazy dance and we have to live very consciously to survive this awful Illness we share. Most people don’t, and can’t, get it, it’s true…
      Wishing you the bestl,
      Steve

      Like

        • Thanks for the good wishes Ellen. I’m glad to meet you too, as someone who also gets it. The more of us who do and share our stories the better off things can get. Stigma is hell and it’s a good thing to talk about these issues like we are. Hoping you have a good summer too.

          Like

  3. Bipolar, high cholesterol, pre-diabetic, sciatica, and prolly some other things here I’m forgetting, Steve. I empathize with how this goes– so much pill salad. I have to use alarms, reminders, a pill box, and get help from a sweet wifey, and still sometimes I forget.

    Like

    • Sounds like you have a heavy schedule. I can relate to it too well. I have help also and still I forget sometimes and that just fries me. Not good to beat yourself up for it but I do. Sigh.
      Best of luck to you,
      Steve

      Like

Please share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s